You don’t do it for me anymore.
I vividly remember the first boy that broke my heart. I went insane. I always thought that’s what you were supposed to do. I thought I had to be batshit crazy to prove I was passionate enough for him to stay with me. I thought I had to prove to him I was worthy enough for him to love me. And would you believe it? I did this for years. YEARS. Over this same stupid little boy.
And then I did it again. And again. And again.
I would cry for DAYS. I wondered what was wrong with me. I looked in the mirror and broke myself down into a million little pieces. And I wondered why no one wanted to try to put them back together for me. Was I not pretty enough? Was I not skinny enough? What did she have that I didn’t? I tried to tell lies, I tried to beg, I tried to ignore, I got ARRESTED – I fucking tried everything I could think of. For all of them. I don’t know who I was in certain stages of my life. I have all major stages of my life named by the most significant person that was around me at that time.
“In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place.” – Elizabeth Gilbert
I don’t want to make blanket statements here, because I’m sure there are exceptions but from where I sit – you will never find yourself in someone else if you don’t know who you are even looking for first.
When I talk to my girlfriends about their relationship (fuckboy) problems and they say something like, “I don’t know, I’m really not crazy but I feel crazy”. I 100% assure you – you can trust me if I say you are not crazy. Because I have been that girl. I’m pretty sure, back in the day, I very well could have been pushed to burn someone’s house down.
Why? Because I let someone else decide FOR ME that I wasn’t good enough to be loved. By anyone. Ever. ß Those are the thoughts I allowed myself to believe. I agreed with them, so they were.
Eventually you give up. You give up on the idea of love & you give up on the idea that you’ll have it with that boy. You move on to the next one & you immediately think, “Yes! This time is different.” And he is. In so many ways, he’s everything the past was not. And you create this world that you live inside. Despite the fact that you haven’t felt true love for him in months, you convince yourself you are because deep down all you want is for someone just to love you. And truly mean it for once.
I went from one dude to another dude, a couple of girls, to yet another dude and…I really don’t want to make this list. The point is – I was searching, frantically searching, for something I had to learn to find within myself, in someone else.
And then I had this brilliant idea – move across the country (for a dude) and all your problems will be solved.
This plan did not, in fact, work out as I had hoped. (Go figure, right?)
I was just as miserable, if not more miserable, than I had ever been. Not only did I change my entire life for someone I barely knew, I left everything I knew! I ran away to try and make it better. I, once again, tried to heal myself and find myself within someone else.
This. Does. Not. Work.
Do not confuse this with having people support you when you are at a low. Those people are the ones you cling to in your darkest hour. Those are the ones who will brush you off when you are bruised and broken. Hold on to them – they are your army and you need them.
But support does not come in the form of ignored phone calls. It does not come in the form of lies. It does not come in the form of cruel words and unkind actions. It does not come from hitting you. It does not come from physical harm in any way, shape, or form.
You do not deserve to be in that dark place, hating yourself, allowing yourself to hate others, because someone told you that you have to be there. You do not have to stay in that place.
Your time will come and for your sake I hope that time is now. Shit, it took me 10 years. DO NOT BE ME! I beg of you, please, take your time now to love yourself. Before you let someone choose how you love yourself for you. Channel your inner Beyoncé and OWN YOUR LIFE. You are more than worth it and nobody deserves to make you feel any less than worthy.
I have wasted too many hours. I have wasted too many days. I have made a fool of myself way too many times. I have allowed too many to have complete control over my very being to continue this way.
You do not own me. And if you try to come back – you will not know me.
I do not have any more fucking time to spend wasting my energy on humans who do nothing but drain me.
If you do not bring peace to this party, please do not even bother to RSVP.
I’m no longer interested.