I’ve been told I inspire people. I have to admit I do not feel very inspired lately. That silver lining is difficult to find when the world outside looks so bleak.
I have friends who tell me they are blessed they have never experienced great loss. I envy that sentiment. I feel as though a majority of my life has been spent mourning the loss of someone. Whether physically leaving this planet and moving into the next dimension, or simply no longer having a need for me in their life.
I am tired. Exhausted.
I got a rough start, sure. There have been many bumps and bruises and wrong turns along the way. Isn’t that what makes us who we are? Aren’t those scars supposed to prepare us for the rest of the way?
It doesn’t always seem that way. And fuck, I am tired of making wrong turns. I know it’s not easy to smile through the pain. It’s always easier to stay in bed & pray it just goes away so you can feel better. Please God, let it get better.
Many days I wonder how much longer I have with my parents. I wonder how much longer I’ll be here. Or how long I’ll want to be. Or how long someone else may want me to be here. But in that same breath I wake up each day blessed to continue breathing. Even if it hurts.
I have to thank the universe for making me important enough to live another day on this beautiful, albeit fucked up, planet. No, I don’t consider each day a raving success. I probably snapped at a coworker or friend. I probably blamed someone for something that wasn’t their fault. I probably judged someone for something I didn’t like or agree with. But I completed the day, right? I’ll take a small win any day.
Some days it’s easier to find the goodness. To find a light. Last night I prayed the lady who literally just moved in below me, couldn’t hear me crying in agony on my condo floor. Physically, I’m healthy. Emotionally, I’m exhausted. But I’m here. I’ll do anything for you, for your friends, your neighbor. I’m always here.
Along this path, though, I forgot to be there for myself. While I’m busy caring for everyone – who was taking care of me?
A hint? It wasn’t me.
I’ve been told I’m too needy. I cling too much. I need your attention every second. I don’t want to lose anyone else. I don’t think I have it in me to attend more funerals. I have no more space to miss people. My heart is full of ache for those loved and lost. It’s anxiety of the loss to come.
I read the news and I want to scream out, but will anyone listen? Do you care? How can we be so heartless to one another? What is it about us that we inherently want to inflict pain on others? For every good deed done by a human, it’s as if there are 10 other malicient acts being committed.
Some days it’s as if I can physically feel the ache of the world in my heart. Not just my own pain, but I carry yours, too.
What a blessing and curse it is, to feel everything so deeply.
I travel and eat nice dinners and go to concerts and spend money I don’t have because I’m still searching. I’m still searching for what makes me happy to my core. Because I’ll do anything to not be sad. To not be anxious. To feel free. I don’t want to be kept in shackles by my depression and insecurity.
As John Mayer so eloquently put it, The Age of Worry, is now. But we can overcome. I assure you. I don’t have any data to back that surety, no. Call it woman’s intuition.
I won’t fold the hand I’ve been dealt. I’ll keep betting on that royal flush.
Someday I’ll hit the jackpot. Maybe not today, but someday. And that, is enough for me. I might cry myself to sleep. I might drink myself to sleep. I might fall asleep peacefully and naturally. Someday is enough for today.
It’s not always glitter and rainbows. But the sun does shine through. As I choke back tears, I’m telling you the hope for a better tomorrow is worth more than the discomfort of today.