I am truly blessed in the fact that I’ve been able to experience so much so young. But it hasn’t always been pretty. I had a weird & fucked up childhood. I had a rebellious & idiotic teen/young adulthood. And even now, with all that I’ve experienced in my mid-twenties – life is still fucked up! Just…not as often anymore. I find myself learning to accept more situations as they are. I find myself learning to appreciate the little wins more regularly and accepting that not everything has to be a big win. And I fall utterly and completely in love with every big win.
Gratitude is amazing. I’m grateful I’ve been able to experience some really crazy, horrible, sad, toxic, passionate, lovely, desperate, beautiful moments in life.
But I’m not perfect. And this isn’t a story about how I became the most positive, role-model worthy human. It’s not a story about how I always practice what I preach and everything is damn delightful.
I still have a hard time distinguishing between appropriate and inappropriate, rational and irrational. I still imagine my own death a HELL of a lot more than is probably healthy.
When I read stories or hear people speak about overcoming a bad breakup or rising above a hardship, on any scale – people experience tragedy differently; grief is grief. They always seem to put it like “I woke up one day & decided _______________.”
It wasn’t like that for me. I frequently have to wake up and remind myself that “it’s going to be okay”. I have to decide that the person I used to be is not going to be the person that I am today. And I fall back into old ways more often than I care to admit. But I don’t stay in that place for long anymore, maybe a couple of days in a row. Or two weekends in a row. But it’s not Days on end. I don’t blackout more days than I’m sober in a row. I don’t get behind the wheel as often as I used to.
But I’ve learned to let go of toxic people sooner. I’ve learned to recognize situations I don’t want to be in. I’ve learned that it’s okay to say no or turn down a shot.
“I think I deserve something beautiful.” – Elizabeth Gilbert
I’ve learned to love myself just a little bit more. And I continue to do so, every single day.
And that’s what, I think, ultimately the events that led up to me writing this nonsense down is what I hope someone gets out of it. Because I wish someone would have told me a long time ago that no matter what shit you go through or what you manage to fuck up – you can still make it to beautiful things.