There are some things that you’d think you could just “do” as an adult.

Right? Like it makes sense after you do laundry, you put the laundry up.
After you do the dishes, you put the dishes up.
After you eat dinner, you clean up the plates.
You feed your dog.
You feed your cats.
You change the litter box.
You give them baths.
You bathe yourself.
You vacuum.
You get the picture…

Sometimes it seems like the part of my dumb adult brain “missed” out on the part where you learned to just “do” things. Where you were taught the right order to achieve the most basic of goals (i.e., folding laundry). And you missed out on these things because you just sorta learned how to do them on your own before anyone showed you. Sure, you got corrected along the way. Mom was always there to let you know that’s not how you load the dishwasher. That you shouldn’t eat that or wear that and so help her God if you don’t put your clothes up you’re grounded for the next 5 eternities.

My 33rd birthday is in exactly 7 days.

I did laundry yesterday. Two loads in fact, but I managed to size them just right that both loads could fit into the same dryer load – so yeah, one load got dried twice but #worthit.

When I woke up this morning the upcoming “turning of age”, if you will, was heavy on my mind. I’ve only lived alone for the last two years and have not exactly done a stellar job of taking care of…well…anything. I mean, my pets are alive (lost a few plants though…), so there’s that.

But this morning in the shower I realized I finally got an ACTUAL good night’s sleep. I felt rested. I felt…good. I felt powerful. Like I could actually change the directionality of my personal compass — couldn’t tell you if that mean my moral compass, my professional compass, my whatever-it-is-that-we-are-all-put-here-for-compass — I could actually manipulate the sails and stick to that course.

In my early morning shower, super motivated brain, these were the things I came up with that I was going to do — all in this same day, remember. The same kind of day that started…different…and yet I was still the same person I was 12 hours ago before I slept (and again, who hadn’t really truly taken care of herself in a hot hot minute…)

I was going to:

• Make my coffee
• Make a breakfast smoothie
• Make toast and/or bring a breakfast sandwich to work
• Get to work on time (or close to it)
• Text a friend about going to the gym after work
• Clean the living room and kitchen when I got home after the gym
• Make something healthy for dinner (like chicken and rice because #gains)
• Be in bed by 9pm

It is now 9:12pm PST as I write this and I am making my dinner.

Did I accomplish everything on my “new year, same me, but we’re trying something different me” list?
Absolutely not.

You cannot change what you are, only what you do.”

― Philip Pullman, The Golden Compass

However, I did do a few things that I am proud of. A few things I’m not exactly proud of – but they are a part of me so…if we’re going with this whole “love yourself, you’re dope” vibe for this next trip around the sun then we might as well recognize all of it, right?

• I made a breakfast smoothie.
• I got to work (mostly) on time.
• I did text a friend musing on me wanting to go to the gym after work.
• I did not actually go to the gym.
• I finally got a document to my boss that I needed to at work.
• I organized my calendar at work for the week.
• I prioritized 70% of my week at the office.
• I bought some pot to raise my spirits and calm me down.
• Coco and I went on two nice walks.
• I did another load of laundry which, alas, forced me to put away the other two loads of laundry (I hate it here…)
• As a part of said laundry, I washed workout clothes to make up for not going to the gym tonight. (And yes, planned for an immediate after work sesh with a friend).
• I’m making myself some sort of sausage and rice tell-myself-it’s-good-for-me-even-though-it-probably-isn’t-but-it’ll-taste-good-late-night-meal

Did I get sad today? Yes.
Did I get overwhelmed today? Yes.
Did I say some things I probably shouldn’t have? Always.
Was I mean to anyone? I don’t think so.
Was I mean to myself? Only a little bit.
Am I proud of myself? Actually, yes. Quite a bit.

Everyone grows up differently. Learning different habits. Learning different ways to treat people, to speak, to study, to eat, to manage your emotions, to communicate — the list goes on. Hopefully, with each passing day/month/year we unlearn the things we were taught that no longer resonate with who we are in the present moment.

My 33rd birthday is exactly 7 days.