Reflections.

I got a whole lotta shit on my mind that I feel like if I don’t just get it out – it’s going to drive me crazy.

Well, fuck me. I’ve been staring at this screen for like 5 solid minutes without a clue where to start. How the fuck do you get writer’s block trying to write YOUR OWN shit out?

It’s bullshit. The end.
(This was how this post started last night. I’m leaving it here because not only is it humorous but it’s a reminder to me of why I started this blog. To be human.)


Let us start with some superlatives, to sum up………well I was going to say a week, then I thought about a year because 2019 is coming to an end IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS AND THEN I REMEMBERED THE DECADE IS ALSO COMING TO AN END.

*cue mini anxiety attack*

What a big, BIG, opportunity for reflection. Wheeewww shhhiiittttt.


Hindsight is 20/20, right? I think if you would’ve asked 18 year old me what 2009 was like, I would’ve told you it was a glorious time of reckless decisions that were going to pay off in the long run.

I can’t help but laugh at and also smile fondly at that naive, young girl. And let’s be real – I’m still a young naive woman.

The last ten years have been an incredible journey. I don’t think at this current time I’m writing this I have the capacity to really explore this path in my mind but when I come back to it I will. For now, let’s start with what I have now.

It doesn’t even really feel like 10 years. It feels like just yesterday I was getting my first restaurant job and falling in what I thought was love and being an idiot. Turns out, I figured out exactly what love is NOT. A few times. And then a few more times ANNNDDDD – just for good measure – a time after that. Hell, I moved across the country for what I thought was love. But the joke is on ALL of them because they all led me to this place. A place where I fell in love with a city and the desert and some beautiful humans who’ve become my family in the last few years.


“My scars remind me that I did indeed survive my deepest wounds. That in itself is an accomplishment. And they bring to mind something else, too. They remind me that the damage life has inflicted on me has, in many places, left me stronger and more resilient. What hurt me in the past has actually made me better equipped to face the present.”
― Steve Goodier


So, let’s reflect on the last decade, shall we?

I dropped out of High School only to go back and obtain my GED a couple years later.
I got in a lot of legal trouble and did a year in county & work-release.
I moved 1000 miles away from the only things and people I’d ever known.
I got out of the restaurant industry and into the corporate legal world (oh, the irony).
I bought my first car (but we are NOT going into that).
I’ve camped at 3 national parks (2 of them numerous times), 1 National River, 1 National Monument, and 3 National Forests.
I’ve completed almost half the credits I need for an associate’s degree – and NO, it’s never too late to go back.
I’ve let go of some deeply painful shit.
I’ve had some deeply painful shit come back to the surface.
I’ve loved a lot of beautiful humans.

But most importantly, I’ve learned how to love myself. Maybe not totally, maybe not every day, but that’s okay. I don’t know if anyone can truly say that they love themselves 100% of the time because I bet you there are a few times they are pretty fuckin’ pissed at themselves. If that’s a place you can get to — I’m all for it.


But that’s the dealio, isn’t it? That happiness is a place you intentionally go to not just something that magically happens to you.

If that’s the case, then I choose to go to happiness. I am so fucking tired of wallowing in self-pity. I keep pouring from an empty cup for those who don’t deserve it when I should be refilling it.

 

There are holes in my raft.
And there have been for a long time.
Time to bust out the duct tape.

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