Wine induced thoughts.

In a way, the body – the way you present yourself…the way you
— it all says a lot about what’s going on in your mind I think.

And I’ve always been a go-getter
There’s truth in every word I write
But still the growing pains, growing pains
They’re keeping me up at night
— Alessia Cara

In a way, it’s almost as if maybe the barriers I break and the agreements I decide I KNOW longer have to keep are the growing pains keeping me up at night. I know that these pains serve some sort of purpose. I know that I’m not supposed to know what purpose they serve right now — but simply acknowledge that they are there and that they do.

But then I wonder when it’ll stop. When I will break free. Because I know I will. But when?

Maybe when I relearn the correct way to handle situations.
Maybe when I feel I have the freedom to say no.
Maybe when I have the ability to choose.
Maybe when I have the peace of mind that I am comfortable and intelligent and wonderful and smart.

I long for the day I feel those ways.
When I don’t feel guilty.
When I don’t feel angry.
When I don’t feel confused.
When I don’t feel like I’m desiring something I just can’t seem to describe in any language.

It’s coming. It’s going to be really grueling. And I’m going to experience a lot of loss and a lot of tears and a lot of release.

I’m grateful for the process.

I’m proud of myself for doing this. Because unbeknownst to me — I should’ve done this a long time ago.

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